Something's Missing.

Sometimes you just have those moments where everything in life that you've been ignoring and all those feelings you've been trying to subdue just come rushing forth at you all in one instance. One second, I'm fine, watching Criminal Minds with my parents, and the next I have this throbbing headache and I'm sobbing hysterically while spilling my guts out to my friend Noah over facebook chat.
I just feel so EMPTY. I feel like there's something in life I have failed to ascertain, and every moment I continue on without it, things just descend down this hill with increasing speed and there's nothing I can do about it. School, my parents, my friends, every aspect of my life is just contributing to this never-ending sense of dread lurking in the pit of my stomach.
I mean don't get me wrong, I do lead a fabulous life. I have great friends, my parents give me virtually whatever I want, I'm getting my license and a car in just a few months, and for the most part, I get whatever I want and need. But there are just those few little things here and there that occur so naturally and easily to people, and I can't really fathom why it isn't that way for me.
I suppose the main thing I'm talking about here is the boyfriend situation. I'm a very independant girl, and I will admit, I do have some commitment issues, but there are times (such as right now) where it would be nice to have a guy to turn to and just know that someone cares about me and thinks I'm special. It would be reassuring. But it seems that when I do, in fact, desire a companion and when I do, in fact, find someone I deem to be suitable for said companionship, I just cannot surpass the platonic level for the life of me. Not to be conceited, but I think I'm a rather pretty girl. I know perfectly well I have flaws, but not to the extent that it makes me unsightly. To be quite honest, I think I intimidate most of them, for I know I don't speak as the general female population at my school does. I do insist on using proper grammar all the time, and complex sentence structure paired with advanced diction is just a part of my daily routine, but I'm a writer, that's what I do and that's how I speak. I cannot and will not change that to appease some immature boy who can't handle how I truly am. But unfortunantely, this is high school, and any male I find myself attracted to is undoubtedly an immature boy.
There's also the college factor. I'm going to be completely honest right now: Do I want to go to college? Absolutely not. There is nothing I dread more than more school, more organization, and more ASSIGNMENTS. And add that with the fact that not only are you competing for every spot you may want, but you have to PAY for it as well? What is the point of this?!
I'll tell you what the point is: My parents and my future. My parents would keel over if I told them I didn't want to go to college, and as for being secure in the future with a well-paying job, you can forget about it without a degree. That's all America runs on now: the motivation for money and to fill the expectations of society around you. Conform now and you'll be safe, yet go outside the box, challenge authority, and we'll personally see to it that you will be deemed as incapable and unworthy by all major corporations. But please, stop me now before I go total Anti-Government "It's A Conspiracy" Hippie on you all.
I know I have to go, and I've accepted it. Yet now I have to face the challenges of how and where. Honestly, I'm starting to doubt whether or not I'll get accepted anywhere. My grades are seriously slipping. Trust me to start screwing up the most important year of my high school career. But even if I do get past that hill, where am I even GOING to apply? For a while now I've been "Miami, Miami, Miami" but now I'm not too sure. The hardcore, intrusive, workaholic Journalist path I was apparently traveling down is soooo NOT ME. But according to everyone else, it's the only thing I can do that involves writing that will guarantee me a secure job.
Woop-dee-fucking-doo.
Does anyone care what I would like? Is anyone concerned with how I would like to live the rest of my life? Because last time I checked guidance counselors and parents, I'm the one who has to live with these decisions your making for me, so why the HELL should I be miserable because you all told me what the right thing to do was mandatory? Would anyone be interested to know in what I would like to do? Because I would absolutely love to go to a small arts school in California somewhere, being able to go shopping in L.A. and relax on the chill beaches all across the coast, majoring in Creative Writing or English Literature, and minoring--or possibly even double majoring--in Vocal Studies, perhaps even Opera. But, that's not practical enough for you guys, right? That doesn't secure me financially, does it? So it's obviously not an option.
Well to be quite frank, I'm sick of what I want to do with my life not being an option. I want to move to Cali. I want to be an author. I want to sing for Operas or be on Broadway. I want to create a whole new life for myself the way I've always dreamed of doing. And if it backfires in my face and I wind up back in my parents house, oh well. I can live with that, because I know I will have done what I thought was best, and not what anyone else thought was right for me.

Bitchasaurus strikes again.

Hi I'm Charlotte Brubeck and it's time for another episode of National Geographic: Human Studies Edition.
On today's episode, we're going to be observing the always-unwelcome-in-all-situations creature Bitchasaurus bipolaricus, more commonly known as "Mom."
Now, as has been recorded in previous segments, we all know "Mom" is very well known for her dire mood-swings, random spats of anger, and general tendencies to be a complete bitch. However, today, we have a rather special case for you, for the "Mom" has managed to deliver two extremely hurtful and irrational messages all in the course of one weekend!
First let us observe the Authoricus vocalistica, which we will refer to as "Charlotte." See "Charlotte" use her cellular telephone to come in contact with "Mom." Note Charlotte's sudden discoloration of skin pigment and rapid flow of tears down the cheeks. After further investigation of the matter by our top scientists, it has become known to us that this sudden breakdown was due to Mom's decision to skip out on her daughter's very prestigious choral concert because, quote, "she didn't feel like it." Ouch, there's a low blow by Bitchasaurus!
Over the next few days, we've been recording Charlotte's reaction to this matter. It seems that she has cut off all communication with Mom until she gets an apology, as I'm sure we can all agree she rightly deserves.
It's been two days now. Charlotte's given up her plan and has come to peace with the fact that her parents are indeed selfish morons who will never admit they are wrong. Chin up, Charlotte, we here at National Geographic still care! Oh but what's this? It seems that Mom can't live with the fact of seeing Charlotte once again happy! Hmm, I wonder how this will turn out? Let's go and see, shall we?
Our camera crew is approaching around the corner to the open door of Charlotte's room. It appears that the two species are crouched over the computer in deep discussion. Upon further investigation, it was found that what was being discussed was airfare prices for Charlotte to fly to CT to see one of her peers, Kyleeicus Blairbearica, or as we call her, "Kylee."
Well, we've seen this discussion before, and Mom was all for it. Shouldn't be any sort of a problem we need to---wait, what's this? Did Charlotte's face just drop in astonishment? Is Mom resulting to the "I know this is crushing you but I'm doing it anyway because frankly I really don't care how upset you are" voice? No, it cannot be! Did Mom really just complete trample Charlotte's spirits twice in ONE WEEKEND?!

Well folks, as sad as it is to say, Mom did indeed do the aforementioned atrocity. Her bipolar tendencies and desire to see everyone around her as miserable as she is has kicked in once again, and she has informed Charlotte that she "doubts that she'll be going to CT." Perhaps it's the money? Oh no, she did not hesitate to inform Charlotte that they do have the money for it. Perhaps there are other family plans? Nope, none of those whatsoever! Well what could the reason be my friends? Surely it must be something drastic and necessary to cause this mother to crush her little girl's hopes of seeing one of her best friends again for just a few days! This just in--nope. She's just a complete lazy bitch who really doesn't give a shit about anyone else or how they feel about anything, and if anything is asked of her that requires anything more than a simple yes or no that doesn't require she drag her self-pitying menopausal self out of the house for more than a minute, well then, that's obviously not going to work out.

Thanks for joining us, and be sure to tune in in about 10 to 15 minutes for "What happens when a daughter goes ape-shit crazy on her mother until she's made her mother cry with so many hurtful and insulting comments."

Disappointment

It really sucks when you get yourself so worked up for something, and then it's just completely not what you expected. A promise is made to you, you talk about it for weeks, you have this image in your head of how it's going to be and how perfect everything will go and then...the time comes and what you thought you would have disintegrates at your fingertips. It's especially like this with boys; they don't seem to realize that what they promise us can really make an impact on a girl. And then when they go against it on a whim, while it may not cause them the slightest problem, it leaves us upset and crying and feeling worthless. That's the feeling that kills you when a promise is broken: the fact that you don't matter enough for this to be deeply considered; the fact that if it upsets you when nothing follows through, it does not matter at all. I suppose that's the worst part of all. Not that the promise to you was broken, or that the amazing scene you had created in your head was no where near the reality of the situation, or that how upset you obviously were didn't really phase the other person; but that your importance was robbed of you. When the promise was broken with such ease, it was made apparent how non-important you are.
I guess I'm just not that special to you anymore. I'm not sure if I ever was, because maybe I wasn't, but you made me feel like I was. And that's disappointment I really can't get over.

Grade Paranoia

Today for Veteran's Day, we had school off. Right in the middle of the week! How nice is that? I mean, you're just hitting tuesday, you're really bumming about the rest of the week, and then BAM! Day off. I think they should make a habit of this.
So considering that today is a day off, lots of people are out at the beach, the mall, hanging out with their friends, all that good stuff that we do on the weekend.
Yet what am I doing? I'm doing the immense load of homework my teachers have thrust upon me. How nice.
Mainly it's a project; a Great Gatsby project. And after spending a good hour stalling and complaining, I realized that not only should I not be so upset, but really, I brought it upon myself.
I could have let anyone else in my group take the project home and finish it. Yet if I think about it, would I? No, never in a million years. Why you may ask? Why not let others do the work and give myself a break? Well, because I have Grade Paranoia my friends. In case you are not aware of this, allow me to guide you along the path of enlightenment:
Grade Paranoia is a specific type of paranoia of the school-related persuasion. In short, it means that when it comes to my grades and my school work, I trust no one. I've found myself doing this since elementary school. When there is a project to be done, I assert myself as leader and do the majority of it. Not because I enjoy being an authority figure, oh no, not in the least, I am a very lazy person and the last thing I rarely ever want is to be in control of a situation when others are perfectly capable of doing so and have a greater desire to. No, I take control because it sets me at ease, it makes me more comfortable, to know that my grade is completely under my own control. Unless I am completely convinced that those in my group are far more efficient than I and will do everything perfectly, which I rarely ever am, I will never let someone do the work that could possibly ruin my grade. It's never because I doubt the abilities of the others, it's just that I trust my own abilities more than I trust theirs, and that's not just with quality of work, but with punctuality and so on.
So really, would I be in any better shape if one of my classmates had the project right now? No, in fact I'd probably be panicking, thinking about what could go wrong all day, and calling them every 5 minutes to make sure they haven't forgotten about it and asking them to explain in excruciating detail exactly what they're doing to it.

There must be more than this provincial life

Today I had quite a life-changing revelation: life, as it stands right now, is incredibly boring. And not only that, but the plans for the future aren't the least bit more exciting.

Allow me to elaborate.

Today at around 11:10 am, I entered my AP English class, as I normally do. However, instead of having class today, one of Mrs. Garafolo's former students, Jamel, was there to talk about what he had done since graduating high school last year. He began to speak about the freedom you have when you aren't controlled by the daily routines of school and the schoolwork that comes from it. He took a year off and went backpacking all over Europe, basically surviving by camping and on about 5 or 6 bucks a day, and then ended up in Ethiopia helping a children's home for kids who were completely abandoned. He said he doesn't even have a phone, because to him, that's baggage tying him down. All of this is what really made me think. All this time, I've been convinced I want to stay in high school, and then when I have to leave, I want to go directly to college. All the routines and work and deadlines...none of it is me. Honestly, if I knew I could attain a job paying just as well as it would be if I had gone to college, I wouldn't go. I have no desire to continue schooling beyond the factors of "I need to provide for myself in the future" and "My parents want me to." I'm only going because I have to, and that's it. It's the reason I've really never been excited about any college, because truthfully, deep down in my gut no matter how much I do love a college, I know it's really not where I want to be. And the majors? Forget that. I love to write, no doubt about that, but I don't want to be the busy journalist wearing suits and working in a bustling office, constantly on the phone and computer, struggling to meet deadlines. Why would I ever want to create that much stress and pressure for myself? I'm the laziest person alive! But, I know I have to, because it's the only decent job you can get where you can write that will solidly provide for you. I mean, Jamel talked about how he just wrote a huge story about what happened to him as he traveled, and his thoughts about it. That just SCREAMS Charlotte. That would be heaven on earth for me. Yet, can I do that? No, because that's not society's norm, and it's certainly not my parent's norm.

So basically, what am I saying? I'm saying I'm bored. I'm bored of getting up at the same time every day, going to the same classes, seeing the same people, doing the same things after school. I mean sure, there are people I love and want to keep in my life forever, but I'm talking about the general public, or maybe just the way certain people are friends with me, if that makes any sense at all. It's just always the same. And I'm tired of worrying about scholarships and SATS and ACTS and passing classes and getting accepted to UM and everything. I don't understand why I should set my life up for the same boring routine of school and work, when there's an entire world to explore so huge that it's completely unfathomable to someone such as myself who is stuck in these monotonous ways in the straight-path town. One thing that Jamel said that really stuck with me was "People say they're going to do a lot of things, yet they don't for one reason or another. Really, the only person holding you back is yourself." He's completely right, and I refuse to hold myself back. I deserve more than this. I need more than this.