Something's Missing.

Sometimes you just have those moments where everything in life that you've been ignoring and all those feelings you've been trying to subdue just come rushing forth at you all in one instance. One second, I'm fine, watching Criminal Minds with my parents, and the next I have this throbbing headache and I'm sobbing hysterically while spilling my guts out to my friend Noah over facebook chat.
I just feel so EMPTY. I feel like there's something in life I have failed to ascertain, and every moment I continue on without it, things just descend down this hill with increasing speed and there's nothing I can do about it. School, my parents, my friends, every aspect of my life is just contributing to this never-ending sense of dread lurking in the pit of my stomach.
I mean don't get me wrong, I do lead a fabulous life. I have great friends, my parents give me virtually whatever I want, I'm getting my license and a car in just a few months, and for the most part, I get whatever I want and need. But there are just those few little things here and there that occur so naturally and easily to people, and I can't really fathom why it isn't that way for me.
I suppose the main thing I'm talking about here is the boyfriend situation. I'm a very independant girl, and I will admit, I do have some commitment issues, but there are times (such as right now) where it would be nice to have a guy to turn to and just know that someone cares about me and thinks I'm special. It would be reassuring. But it seems that when I do, in fact, desire a companion and when I do, in fact, find someone I deem to be suitable for said companionship, I just cannot surpass the platonic level for the life of me. Not to be conceited, but I think I'm a rather pretty girl. I know perfectly well I have flaws, but not to the extent that it makes me unsightly. To be quite honest, I think I intimidate most of them, for I know I don't speak as the general female population at my school does. I do insist on using proper grammar all the time, and complex sentence structure paired with advanced diction is just a part of my daily routine, but I'm a writer, that's what I do and that's how I speak. I cannot and will not change that to appease some immature boy who can't handle how I truly am. But unfortunantely, this is high school, and any male I find myself attracted to is undoubtedly an immature boy.
There's also the college factor. I'm going to be completely honest right now: Do I want to go to college? Absolutely not. There is nothing I dread more than more school, more organization, and more ASSIGNMENTS. And add that with the fact that not only are you competing for every spot you may want, but you have to PAY for it as well? What is the point of this?!
I'll tell you what the point is: My parents and my future. My parents would keel over if I told them I didn't want to go to college, and as for being secure in the future with a well-paying job, you can forget about it without a degree. That's all America runs on now: the motivation for money and to fill the expectations of society around you. Conform now and you'll be safe, yet go outside the box, challenge authority, and we'll personally see to it that you will be deemed as incapable and unworthy by all major corporations. But please, stop me now before I go total Anti-Government "It's A Conspiracy" Hippie on you all.
I know I have to go, and I've accepted it. Yet now I have to face the challenges of how and where. Honestly, I'm starting to doubt whether or not I'll get accepted anywhere. My grades are seriously slipping. Trust me to start screwing up the most important year of my high school career. But even if I do get past that hill, where am I even GOING to apply? For a while now I've been "Miami, Miami, Miami" but now I'm not too sure. The hardcore, intrusive, workaholic Journalist path I was apparently traveling down is soooo NOT ME. But according to everyone else, it's the only thing I can do that involves writing that will guarantee me a secure job.
Woop-dee-fucking-doo.
Does anyone care what I would like? Is anyone concerned with how I would like to live the rest of my life? Because last time I checked guidance counselors and parents, I'm the one who has to live with these decisions your making for me, so why the HELL should I be miserable because you all told me what the right thing to do was mandatory? Would anyone be interested to know in what I would like to do? Because I would absolutely love to go to a small arts school in California somewhere, being able to go shopping in L.A. and relax on the chill beaches all across the coast, majoring in Creative Writing or English Literature, and minoring--or possibly even double majoring--in Vocal Studies, perhaps even Opera. But, that's not practical enough for you guys, right? That doesn't secure me financially, does it? So it's obviously not an option.
Well to be quite frank, I'm sick of what I want to do with my life not being an option. I want to move to Cali. I want to be an author. I want to sing for Operas or be on Broadway. I want to create a whole new life for myself the way I've always dreamed of doing. And if it backfires in my face and I wind up back in my parents house, oh well. I can live with that, because I know I will have done what I thought was best, and not what anyone else thought was right for me.