Doubts

Sometimes I feel like I need something. Something to hold on to. Something to explain everything with one quick, simple answer. I look at all my overtly religious friends and I feel like they're very comfortable with the life they're living and where they're going. They've got their explanation for why they're continuing down the path they're on, why the world works the way it does, why they're even here in the first place. It's "God's plan." Everything that happens to them is all a part of "God's plan." Things may look dismal and unfortunate happenings may occur, but it's ok. You can get through it. Because it's "God's plan." I don't have that comfort, and of course I'm not complaining about that because it's through choice of my own. But sometimes I wish I did, you know? Sometimes I wish that I could just look at the downward turns of life and not let them bother me, because I know that it's all for a greater good. I try very hard to be optimistic, but it's difficult when you don't believe your misfortunes are part of "God's plan." It's difficult when you think your misfortunes are from faults of your own, or simply the universe just fucking with you.
I wish I could sit comfortably in the safety zone of religion and wholeheartedly say "I believe." I truly and honestly do. But I can't. I, unfortunately, was not born with the ability to "just believe." I wish I was. Things would be much simpler if I didn't have to think or question. I found myself standing outside on this dark, rainy night, looking into the sky as the rain fell down to the Earth; and the part of me that wants to believe said "There has to be something. There just has to." But then my logic and conscience kicked in and I remember that there can't be. It's just not logical.
But I suppose that's what religion is; or what it was meant to be before human greed took over. An abandoning of logic for what you believe in your soul just has to be, proof or no proof.
Sometimes I feel like life would be easier if I possessed that ability. To not be a questioner, but a listener, and just one of the masses. But then I suppose I wouldn't really be anybody. And I guess I'd rather spend my days wondering who I am then just knowing I'm not really anyone.